9. Purchase classic paintings by Shakespeare

8. Get a 13 million year subscription to Time Magazine

7. Hire a team of scientists to make Doritos even Nacho cheesier

6. Upgrade Mount Rushmore so the presidents blink, move their heads, and sing

5. One mother of a supersized cola

4. Buy North and South Carolina. Combine them. Call them Sorth Narolina.

3. Get a nice home, a luxury car, high-quality furniture and clothing, use the remaining money to get wasted

2. Pay people to stop calling you "that dumb guy"

1. Gum