9. When Sam Donaldson asks if you've ever had an improper relationship with an elf.

8. It takes five security guards to pry Richard Simmons off your lap.

7. Dumb kids who keep asking, "Are you Kenny Rogers?"

6. I'm recognized by everyone, I'm beloved the world over, and I'm making $6.50 a damn hour.

5. The bastards make you work Christmas Eve.

4. It breaks your heart when Amish kids ask for a Nintendo that doesn't require electricity.

3. Mrs. Claus constantly reminding me that I don't have a job lined up for January.

2. Men who sit on my lap and sob: "All I want for Christmas is my wife back from Jerry Seinfeld."

1. Kids drinking egg nog all day, not enough bathrooms...you do the math, Chester.