If at first you don't suceed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried at all.
You know you're too stressed if you can hear mimes.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
Mosquito: an insect that makes flies look good after all.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are wrong numbers never busy?
A closed mind is a good thing to lose.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Only in America...Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...Do people order LARGE fries, DOUBLE cheeseburgers, and a DIET coke.
Why do the signs that say, "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Teenagers! Tired fo being hasseld by your stupid parents? Move out! Get a Job! Pay bills! While you still know everything!
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
I may look busy, but I'm just confused.
"Everyone's entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privelage"
"I don't discriminate, I hate everyone..."
"People think I'm crazy, but actually I'm just bored."
"I'm not weird, I'm gifted.
"When I'm finished with my vegetables, where should I put their wheelchairs?"
"One by one, the lawn gnomes steal my sanity"
"Some days it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps..."
"I Speared Brittany!"
"Line up alphabetically by height!"
"Living on the earth is expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun"
"Traveling in pairs is essential to your survival... it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at"
"SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident." -- Sign on backseat of Taxi
"If you want to criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away.... and you have their shoes."
"It's better to be hated for what you are then to be loved for what you are not."
"People Like You Are The Reason People Like Me Are On Medication"
"God made men first, because you always create a rough draft before a masterpiece."
"If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons."
"When God made man, she was only kidding!"
"Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."
"My Monkey Made Me Do It."
"My other car is a broom."
"Doing my part to piss off the religious right."
"I believe in fantasy creatures like: gnomes, dragons, unicorns, fairies, elves and good men"
"I Suffer From Occasional Delusions Of Adequacy."
"Having An Out-Of-Body Experience, Back In Five."
"No Shred Of Evidence Exists To Support The Idea That Life Is Serious."
"My Mind Not Only Wanders, It Sometimes Leaves Completely."
"I Have Not Yet Begun To Procrastinate!"
"If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"
"Live isn't like a Burger King, you can't always have it your way."
"When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head."
"My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger."
"I'm a nobody. Nobody's perfect. Therefore, that makes me perfect."
“I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.”
“Silence is golden... but yelling is fun!”
“Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.”
“I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.”
“Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.”
“9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.”
“Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.”
“You can only be young once but you can be immature forever.”
“A clean desk is always a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.”
“The grass ain't much greener on the other side if the neighbors don't take care of their lawn!”
“Everyone brightens a room. Some by walking in, others by walking out.”
“Trust is believing in what you see and hoping in what you don't.”
“Being popular isn't always right and doing right isn't always popular.”
“Quack quack quack...”
“One time I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.”
“May the forces of evil become lost and confused on the way to your house.”
“Homophobia is so gay.”
“Friends are those who bail you out of jail. BEST friends are those that are sitting next to you saying, 'Damn! That was fun!'"
“I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.”
“Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down?”
“One by one the penguins steal my sanity.”
“The pen is mightier than the sword...just look at all the damage I'm doing!”
“You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same.”
“I have lots of friends, you just can't see them.”
“Brevis Tui Tempes est (your time is short)”
“He who hesitates is probably right.”
“The chance that the bread will land butter-side-down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet.”
“I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.”
“I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.”
“It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
“I hear voices, and they don't like you.”
“Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.”
“How can I miss you if you won't go away?”
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
“You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.”
“Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.”
“Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.”
“Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.”
“It's not that I'm antisocial, I'm just not friendly.”
“I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist?”
“I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.”
“I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.”
“Next time you get the urge to think...don't.”
“"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.”
“It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.”
“This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence. Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.”
“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
“The next time I see your face, I hope it's on the back of a milk carton.”
“Defeat isn't bitter if you sprinkle dirty revenge on it.”
“I feel that there is an angel inside me whom I am constantly shocking.”
“I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.”
“If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.”
“Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.”
“Ready - Fire - Aim.”
“That which doesn't kill you... will probably try again.”
“Hatred may make you strong, but it also makes you blind and stupid.”
“When life hands you lemons, squeeze them between your bitter fingers and throw them at the wall.”
“Warning: Trespassers will be shot Warning: Survivors will be shot again.”
“My goal in life is to hurt you, severely, come here.”
“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.”
“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”
“Hofstadter's Law - Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.”
“The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90 probability you will get it wrong.”
“Schizophrenia beats being alone.”
“I have decided to live forever, or die in the attempt.”
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?”
“It's not how you die that matters. It's who you take with you.”
“Don't run, you'll just die tired.”
“Guns don't kill people; death kills people. It's a proven medical fact.”
“He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.”
“I drink to make other people interesting.”
“I'm not as think as you drunk I am.”
“You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
“But Ocifer, I swear to drunk I'm not god!”
“This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.”
“You're depriving some poor village of it's idiot.”
“If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.”
“Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.”
“!klat kcab ruoy dna uoy nmaD”
“When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your hand and give them the finger."
”If the shoe fits, beat someone senseless with it.”
“Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say "Who do you think you are?"
“I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.”
“I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest.”
“Paranoid Schizophrenic: Are you staring at us?”
“I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.”
