Jack: No, not good, stop not good. What are you doing? You burned all of the food, the shade, the rum.
Elizabeth: Yes the rum is gone.
Jack: Why is the rum gone?
Eizabeth: One because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire royal navy is out looking for me do you really think that there’s even the slightest chance that they won’t see it?
Jack: But why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth: Just wait Captain Sparrow; you give it one hour maybe two. Keep a weather eye open and you will see white sails on that horizon.
Jack: [takes out pistol, thinks better of it and puts it back, stalks off, imitates Elizabeth] Must’ve been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack. Must’ve been terrible for you… Well it bloody is now! [Spots the Dauntless] There’ll be no living with her after this.
Gollum Acceptance speech (uncensored)
Andy Serkis: Hi everybody, my name’s Andy Serkis and I’m delighted to receive this award on behalf of everybody who brought Gollum to life. I can’t actually be with you this evening because we’re down in New Zealand completing more shots on Gollum for Return of the King. I’m actually in the motion capture studio where we do a lot of Gollum. Uh, I would like to say a big thank you to all of the MTV fans, to the Lord of the Rings fans, and to everybody who worked on Gollum. It is a complete marriage of skills…
Gollum: You’re a liar, and a thief! (Andy looks shocked and Gollum takes the popcorn) It’s mine! I won it! It was me! We only won because of me!
Sméagol: And me. MTV is my friend, my friend.
Gollum: You don’t have any friends! Nobody likes you.
Sméagol: *crying*(Andy looks exasperated)*Then perks up* Dobby likes me.
Gollum: Dobby! Dobby’s a fucking fag!
Andy: (Andy looks resigned, then speaks in a parental tone) That’s enough, Gollum.
Gollum: Piss off, Serkis, you stupid fat worthless fucking turd!
Andy: (Bewildered) I’m- I’m not fat.
Gollum: We’re not gonna thank anyone, no noooo. Not you, (Points at Serkis) not MTV, and not those pigs and pushy pin-dicks at Wetta Digital. (Andy looks shocked) And Peter Jackson, my precious, who do you think you are you fucking hack? (Andy motions for camera crew to stop filming) Shame on you, shame on you! Go fuck yourself!
Sméagol: I’m not listening, I’m not listening…
Gollum: (Andy looks embarrassed with hand on face) Frankly, nothing can compensate for the long hours, low pay, and miserable experience we’ve had making this fucking movie. And if you think a fucking little tub of gold popcorn is gonna remotely make up (Andy looks off camera for help) for everything we’ve suffered, you’re sadly fucking mistaken! You’re all bastards! MTV SUCKS! WE HATE YOU ALL!
Sméagol: Good night. (Sméagol runs off and Andy gives a confused and apologetic look to the audience)
Spoof of The Council of Elrond Uncensored (With Jack Black and Sarah Michelle Gellar)
Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction. (Close up of Jack looking worried) Bring forth the ring. (Jack looks guilty, makes a farting noise, Sarah looks at him)
Sarah: Jack, you do have the ring, don’t you?
Jack: Yes, yes I- I have the ring. The thing is, (Everyone stares at him with disgust and surprise) last night me and some buddies had a little too much mead and, uh, we ended up at the piercing parlor. And, uh, long story short (Legolas looks wary)( Jack drops his pants) (everyone looks in shock and disgust)
Sarah: oh my god. (Jack shimmies forward, makes a shooting noise and points down)
Boromir: It is a gift.
Jack: You’re damn right it’s a gift. It’s called the Prince Albert (Aragorn looks suspicious) and it’s- (Jack gets an evil look) my precious.
Sarah: So, you’re telling us that you took the fabled ring of Sauron, (Jack nods) the one ring (looks upset) that could destroy all of Middle-earth, and attached it to your, your little hobbit there?
Jack: It was easy, see what they do is (Boromir shifts in his chair) they heat up this metal spike and they drive it through your penis (Frodo shudders, Gandalf looks disappointed), and then they just wiggle it around a little bit (Frodo looks like he’s about to be sick, Gandalf looks at Frodo with worry) to make sure the hole’s big enough, then they just put a hinge on the ring, snap it shut, (snaps fingers) boom, it’s on there (points down again) forever baby!
Sarah: That’s disgusting.
Jack: You say that now. This little bad boy gets the ladies where they’re trying to go every time. (Sarah rolls eyes, Jack points at the guys)
Elrond: (Looking serious) The ring must be destroyed.
Jack: Yo, eyebrows! (Snaps fingers and points at Elrond) Stay out of this! (Elrond slumps in his chair and looks defeated)
Sarah: Jack, none of us are comfortable with the fate of Middle-earth dangling from your- oh my god it’s moving! (Averts her eyes)
Legolas: (Stands up, with a sense of urgency) The ring must be destroyed!
Jack: OK, fine, I’m taking it off. Jeez Louise! (Tries to get it off) I can’t get it off (Sarah rolls eyes, Elrond looks disappointed) (struggles with it, sticking his butt in Elrond’s face, everyone looks at him disappointed, then he starts running around in circles)
Sarah: (looks exasperated) Maybe somebody should help him with that. (Everyone gets up and starts arguing) For heavens sake, somebody help him!
Aragorn: (gets up and kneels in front of Jack) You have my sword. (Jack looks worried)
Gimli: And my axe. (Sarah looks surprised, Jack looks scared)
Jack: (looks at Gimli) Dude, put down the axe. You know, I knew you guys wouldn’t be supportive. Gimli, when you wanted to grow a beard, we all said it would look dumb, but you did it anyway, and now you’ve got a cool Rob Zombie thing goin on. (Gimli looks thoughtful) And Elrond, the headband! (Elrond looks offended) It’s a little 1983. But that’s cool! And Frodo, you remember when- (Frodo is staring at the ring) Frodo? (Jack looks down) Yo, Frodo, (snaps fingers) eyes up here!
Sarah: (stands up) Jack, you’re right, none of us have been very supportive. (Jack swings a look at everybody else, like ‘I told you so’) And it is a very attractive piercing. Is it ok if I, uh, take a closer look?
Jack: Of course, my lady. (Looking pleased) You might notice the fine craftsmanship…(Sarah rips off the ring, Gandalf winks at Elrond, eye of Sauron flashes, and everyone shudders, Jack screams and falls over)
Sarah: (Sarah holds up the ring) Ok, let’s get this bitch to Mount Doom. (Looks at it with disgust for a second)
